It is raining this morning, outside, and in my heart. I am fast coming to the stark realization that this is not a nightmare from which I will awaken. But rather, a reality that has shaken me to the very depth of my soul. I understand that, in life, there is suffering and pain, and that it is a natural course of things to have certain tragic events visited upon you. I understood that there could be no limit to these things, and that after a certain number, you are not necessarily immune. I did believe however, that if you conducted yourself in a certain manner, if you followed a certain code, and strove always to do that which was right, you would be protected to some extent from these things. When Carrice Ann died, on November 8, 1981, it was without reason. I wondered "Why?". Why would a Good and Loving Lord take from me this small and precious thing? There was no answer. Mary came along and helped to fill this terrible void in my heart, and I thought, "...well, this must be it, this might be the why...". And Mary was good. Less than two years later, along came Blaine. And this is the thing that I dreamed; Most children are born crying. Blaine was born smiling. And he really did. He was a good baby. Knowing we were only planning to have two children, it came to me that, this maybe was the reason for Carrice Ann to leave us, in order to make room for Blaine. And this gave me reason. It gave me reason to understand why my dear little girl had to leave. It was in order that Blaine might come into this world. I could live with that. I could understand that, and all things were balanced. But I was lulled into a false sense of security. I thought, "why, God would never ever take two". While other parents lay awake at night, worrying after their children, I rested peacefully, knowing that, I had given one. The Good and Gracious Lord would never take two. And for years I moved through life, laughing at the tragedies that would never again be visited upon me. What more could they possibly do to me? They had taken my Daughter, my little girl. What was left. All other things paled in comparison to that loss, and the pain it left. Mary and Blaine filled my heart, our hearts, with a love that healed all wounds, emotional and physical. They changed, they grew, and they were launched into this world to go and make their way.

Now it has come to this... My Blainey Boy. My Son. Taken so soon, so young, so much promise, so much love. How can I possibly go on, knowing he is no longer there. How tortured I am, at his last moments, and how I long to be there, in that place, holding his hand and telling him to wait, that I would go first, and prepare a place for him. How I wish he could know how I want that now, more than anything, I want that now. I want him to know that he has nothing to fear, because he was good, and loving and caring, and he will be welcomed Across the River. I just wish he wasn't alone when he left away from this side. I wish I could have been with him for the crossing over time. I hope he will wait for me. I hope he will be waiting for me when I make my crossing. I hope to God I will be able to see him again. I love you Blaine. Where ever you are.

It is odd to me, that one with such a good heart, a big heart, a loving and caring heart, should be taken from here, because his heart, in the end, failed him.

Broken hearts and dirty windows
Make life difficult to see.
That's why last night and this morning
Always look the same to me

Memories, they can't be boughten.
They can't be won at carnivals for free.
Well. it took me years to get those souvenirs,
And I don't know how they slipped away from me.